With age comes the wisdom to find my phone
How old were you when you first felt old?
In my mind, I’m still in my early forties. My kids are still in elementary school and I can still turn a head or two at a red light.
In fact, I’m now in my 60s, my oldest son is approaching 30, and the only thing I turn at a red light is a middle finger that pops up in the car behind me when I’m not pushing the button. accelerator pedal minute the light turns green.
For too many years I have been Mario Andretti at the wheel. I could burn rubber with the best of them and always thought I was driving too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
But I’ve been slowing down recently and not just because I have my granddaughter in the car. I drive more slowly even when I’m alone. I used to think it was just smokers driving slowly because they knew where they were going, they wouldn’t be allowed to smoke.
My mom did this. In fact, she smoked so much in her car that on one of my trips back to Missouri, I got into her car, looked at the ashtray, asked who was dead, and I asked that their ashes be scattered in his Pontiac.
“Where else can I smoke? She asked with a shrug. “It’s against the law everywhere and now they’re talking about banning it in my apartment. Can you imagine that? Can’t I even smoke in my own house?
Lucky for her, that never was the case before she moved to Ohio with me.
I wouldn’t let her smoke inside either, but I regretted it a bit when I woke up to my open window and smelled a Marlboro Light mixed with lilacs and birdsong. She would be there, two floors down on the deck, huffing and drinking her coffee as the smoke coiled in the air and rose straight up to my room.
Despite the cough and the lack of asthmatic air, I miss those days.
Do you know what else I miss? I miss the old wall phone and it makes me feel old. I should like my smartphone. I can use it as a camera, VCR, calculator, alarm clock, diary, book, and encyclopedia, and more than just phone calls.
However, the old beige dial wall phone we had when I was young wasn’t going anywhere. He stood there like a faithful friend, his long mutilated and twisted cord could reach my room for night calls with boyfriends. Her only negative was that my mom could immediately end our conversation by flipping the hook on the switch. I knew it was her because it would be after 11pm and I could smell cigarette smoke.
However, I think if I had put all these conversations together, I still would have spent more time looking for my smartphone than talking on the wall phone or my cell phone, for that matter.
If I could recoup the time I wasted looking for that cell phone – with the focus on mobile – I could be much more productive.
Finally, a friend installed “Find My iPhone” on my iPad. When you open the app you press a button and it not only shows you the location of your phone but it starts ringing and that’s when you start running to find where it came from the sound. It’s a bit like the “hot and cold” game. The closer you get, the louder the sound. The farther it goes, the weaker it becomes.
There are several issues with this. The first is that the sound is not loud enough when it is tangled in a pile of laundry in the basement or when it is between the driver’s seat and your car’s console. The second is that your iPad needs to be charged for it to work.
Once, when I charged my iPad enough to use it, even though I couldn’t hear it ringing, I watched my phone head west toward Polk, Ohio. It was then that I realized I had left it on the bed of a friend’s Ford F-150 after he came by to help me with my sheets. It took me an entire afternoon to track it and my phone.
The other thing that makes me feel old is watching TV. While I love a good, funny ad – and there are a lot of them these days – I hate the new type of ads where nothing is off limits.
I remember when I was a kid watching TV with my family when I first saw a Playtex Living Bra ad. Horrified, I ran out of the room as if my own mother had just taken off her blouse in front of us.
Do you remember when Mr. Whipple told us to “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin”? We all knew what toilet paper was used for, but today the ads tell us! We are also subjected to razor advertisements which show us in graphic images where we can use a razor in addition to our legs and faces. Egad, I don’t want to see this, nor do I want to hear any part of the body talking like a lady does a face standing in her yoga class.
Yes, I am starting to feel old. Maybe if I turn off the TV, buy a wall phone, and speed up a bit, I’ll feel younger. Again, probably not.